sometimes i sing...

i like this song. and i got a glockenspiel, so i made some music...

Dance, Dance, Dance by Lykke Li 
                                                                 (just follow this^ little link)

Covered By Me.

A Resolution.

To resolve is to deal with successfully {via webster dictionary}. I know, this is a stereotypical way of starting any piece of writing, but I wanted to know what it really meant to resolve in the context implied by a new years resolution.

I read a blog two days ago about how there is no significance in the fact that there is a new year. It argued that it is just like any other day and there was no need to stress out making resolutions we are just going to fail at, etc. It proceeded to quote Ben Gibbard lyrics like they were absolute truth. For a second it resonated with me, then it left a sour taste in my mouth. The reason we fail at our resolutions reminds us of the fall of man. depravity. the need for outside help.

I think it is important to have points in life that remind us to reflect: to reflect on the last year, and to see what we want to improve on in the future. For some people, this is the only time they take to reflect.

Today in church we were asked to make a commitment to being more devoted to God's word. The front of the church had a bunch of bread for us to go up and rip off a piece as a symbol of our devotion to allowing God's word abundantly fill us. Initially, I hated this idea and had no plan to go up and grab a piece of bread... In High School and Jr. High, every retreat I went on I was asked to make a commitment to do something, which I most often failed in. Thus, leaving me with a bad feeling when it comes to making an almost forced decisions... But then I got this spark of hope and had a cool train of thought. I am fixed on the Lord. Nothing will change that. I have confidence in saying that. I know I will end this year closer to the Lord than I am now because I know this is something God wants for me, and I want it enough to make the efforts toward that desire.

My Resolution for 2010 is to become a Christian Hedonist. To be sold out for delighting in the Lord.

My challenges foreseen: Singleness for the Spring {a completely single mindset- this has already been challenging} and Oman {a huge step out of the comfort zone}

Reflections of 2009:

God took me. Stretched me. Taught and is still teaching me what it means suffer and cling to Him. Challenged to be more discipline. Worked in my heart clarity in his design for my life. He continued to make me passionate for youth and music. He forced me to spend ten+ hours in silence and solitude, while fasting. He asked me to trust him and I'm doing my best at doing that. He challenged me to expect great things from him and reminded me of how much he loves giving good things to his children.

I am not who I was yesterday, and I am not who I am going to be tomorrow because God is at work in my heart. I will experience his new mercies every day.

this is what my heart feels like:

He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
-Ecclesiastes 3:11

no answers, just peace.

I'm done praying for answers.

I don't need to know answers.

But, I do need peace. This is where I have hope, in a peace that transcends all understanding. Sometimes God puts things in our lives for us not to know the answers to, but He still has a purpose. A beautiful, wonderful, personally designed purpose that he works together for good. Even if I mess up and do something bad -which is far too common- God will still work things together for good, just because He loves.

I pray that in any season, I experience God's peace. I pray that I experience it in the core of my being. I pray that I take my eyes off my human perspective on things and just rest in God's love. I pray that my life be a reflection of Christ to the highest regard. I pray that I live a life that is true to everything I profess. I pray that my thought life echo the thoughts of a person madly in LOVE with Christ.

I keep thinking that I would like to see a glimpse of 2010 Paige on November 29th and know the results of that with which I am waiting on. I told this to my roommate and she said she felt the same way one year ago and she is glad she did not get a glimpse because she would not be fully vindicated. With God's peace, I will not continue this thought.

Peace is one of the most beautiful gifts God has given us undeserving humans.

I don't need to know answers.

I had this half awake dream last night, sort of an out-of-body experience. I kept feeling my skin and my four blankets. As I was doing this, I decided that I must write a book called God Is Real. It was almost like I was experiencing general revelation in a half-awake state. I wanted others to experience God as I have, and I was reminded of this by the sensation of my blankets on my skin. One day I might write a book, and maybe it can be about knowing God is real through experiencing peace.

Connectedness.

“I have a piece of wisdom. I don’t have much of it,

but what I do have is real”
–unknown

Transcendent Understanding.

My realization of our mighty God and the severe truth that he cares for me was found today in:

my singleness.

There have been times in my life when I have really wanted to experience a relationship, even times when I’ve been tempted and failed. But ultimately, God has guarded my heart. I’ve never been in a relationship, and a year ago I would have told you that I wish I had. I am human. I desire relationship with others. But what I did not realize then, that I do now, is that God can fulfill all of my desires.

What I’ve realized is that I have been emotionally vulnerable to wanting relationship. Satan could have easily tempted me with this and I would have accepted it and possibly, most likely, sacrificed my morality, which was and is deeply rooted in a love for Jesus. But God had a better plan for me. He guarded me in my vulnerability and gave me the gift of purity. For that I am so grateful. I’d say it’s the best gift.

As I write, I realized an Interesting parallel: singleness and solitude. Two things that I am so thankful for in my life that I know I would never be able to say I loved if I didn’t have an Amazing God with me, always.

Angelic Composition.

I am so thankful God decided to make the human able to partake in and experience the art of music. I think this was one of His best ideas. I mostly like that through music we worship Him. There is something in my soul that ignites when I listen to good music... Sometimes, I long to be more apart of it. Sometimes, I tear up because I can feel what music communicates that words cannot express. I often experience general revelation when listening to music. Sometimes when I play music with others, I get so overjoyed because I imagine in my mind what heaven music will be like.

I anticipate partaking in angelic composition.

Heaven is going to be constant jubilation. I imagine a 27-part harmony where anyone who is tone deaf sings whatever notes they can get out and it fits perfectly into the harmonies. Without these random and unsure notes, the harmonies would be incomplete; therefore all of God's people worship Him even more because they see that people are all made differently, with a purpose that is reflected in the grand scheme of eternity. I imagine each day there is a new theme. One day, middle eastern... the next day, electronica. the next, folk. and even though you may have a personal preference or inclination toward a certain type of music, you love each day the exact same because, at the root of your musical engagement, you get to worship the Creator in a place without suffering or pain or sadness, where God is revealed in His fullness and the only way to respond is to bow down and worship. I imagine that nothing else matters but God, and every inch of our souls feel complete in His presence because we are doing what we were created to do and that is why the music is perfect.