this is what my heart feels like:

He has made everything beautiful in its time.
He has also set eternity in the hearts of men;
yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
-Ecclesiastes 3:11

no answers, just peace.

I'm done praying for answers.

I don't need to know answers.

But, I do need peace. This is where I have hope, in a peace that transcends all understanding. Sometimes God puts things in our lives for us not to know the answers to, but He still has a purpose. A beautiful, wonderful, personally designed purpose that he works together for good. Even if I mess up and do something bad -which is far too common- God will still work things together for good, just because He loves.

I pray that in any season, I experience God's peace. I pray that I experience it in the core of my being. I pray that I take my eyes off my human perspective on things and just rest in God's love. I pray that my life be a reflection of Christ to the highest regard. I pray that I live a life that is true to everything I profess. I pray that my thought life echo the thoughts of a person madly in LOVE with Christ.

I keep thinking that I would like to see a glimpse of 2010 Paige on November 29th and know the results of that with which I am waiting on. I told this to my roommate and she said she felt the same way one year ago and she is glad she did not get a glimpse because she would not be fully vindicated. With God's peace, I will not continue this thought.

Peace is one of the most beautiful gifts God has given us undeserving humans.

I don't need to know answers.

I had this half awake dream last night, sort of an out-of-body experience. I kept feeling my skin and my four blankets. As I was doing this, I decided that I must write a book called God Is Real. It was almost like I was experiencing general revelation in a half-awake state. I wanted others to experience God as I have, and I was reminded of this by the sensation of my blankets on my skin. One day I might write a book, and maybe it can be about knowing God is real through experiencing peace.

Connectedness.

“I have a piece of wisdom. I don’t have much of it,

but what I do have is real”
–unknown

Transcendent Understanding.

My realization of our mighty God and the severe truth that he cares for me was found today in:

my singleness.

There have been times in my life when I have really wanted to experience a relationship, even times when I’ve been tempted and failed. But ultimately, God has guarded my heart. I’ve never been in a relationship, and a year ago I would have told you that I wish I had. I am human. I desire relationship with others. But what I did not realize then, that I do now, is that God can fulfill all of my desires.

What I’ve realized is that I have been emotionally vulnerable to wanting relationship. Satan could have easily tempted me with this and I would have accepted it and possibly, most likely, sacrificed my morality, which was and is deeply rooted in a love for Jesus. But God had a better plan for me. He guarded me in my vulnerability and gave me the gift of purity. For that I am so grateful. I’d say it’s the best gift.

As I write, I realized an Interesting parallel: singleness and solitude. Two things that I am so thankful for in my life that I know I would never be able to say I loved if I didn’t have an Amazing God with me, always.

Angelic Composition.

I am so thankful God decided to make the human able to partake in and experience the art of music. I think this was one of His best ideas. I mostly like that through music we worship Him. There is something in my soul that ignites when I listen to good music... Sometimes, I long to be more apart of it. Sometimes, I tear up because I can feel what music communicates that words cannot express. I often experience general revelation when listening to music. Sometimes when I play music with others, I get so overjoyed because I imagine in my mind what heaven music will be like.

I anticipate partaking in angelic composition.

Heaven is going to be constant jubilation. I imagine a 27-part harmony where anyone who is tone deaf sings whatever notes they can get out and it fits perfectly into the harmonies. Without these random and unsure notes, the harmonies would be incomplete; therefore all of God's people worship Him even more because they see that people are all made differently, with a purpose that is reflected in the grand scheme of eternity. I imagine each day there is a new theme. One day, middle eastern... the next day, electronica. the next, folk. and even though you may have a personal preference or inclination toward a certain type of music, you love each day the exact same because, at the root of your musical engagement, you get to worship the Creator in a place without suffering or pain or sadness, where God is revealed in His fullness and the only way to respond is to bow down and worship. I imagine that nothing else matters but God, and every inch of our souls feel complete in His presence because we are doing what we were created to do and that is why the music is perfect.

Solitude.

I find it interesting when people who don't proclaim to believe in God practice disciplines that Christians find beneficial to their relationship with the Lord. Solitude, in particular, is what I believe to be the most practiced discipline outside of the Christian faith (unless you consider anorexia fasting). Often times you'll hear about someone retreating to be alone and experience nature. Justin Vernon created arguably one of the best albums created while spending time in a cabin in the woods. Alone. One of his journal entries says "My friends are a thousand miles away. I miss them. But here I am with re-run marathons and an opus. I'm okay. I'm doing okay." Solitude is difficult, but he did it to heal. He was alone to think. He needed to distance himself from the intensity of the United States.

Solitude changed my comprehension of the reality of who God is. I learned to listen. Because of solitude, I know what it means to hear God. I have had Resehs (religious experiences) in solitude; therefore, I often think about spending a season of life in a cabin in the woods by myself to focus all my attention on God. To become needy and to find that need be filled only by the Lord. Life is busy, solitude is not. It is often when I am overwhelmed by the clutter of life that I desire to completely distance myself. It is possible that I would go insane because I thrive off interactions with people, yet that is precisely why I think a long period of solitude would be good for me.

In silence, God speaks and comforts.
In silence, I hear and know.

true words.

"I will only let you down, but my door is always open."
- noah and the whale.

Self Denial.

In order to serve the Lord in everything, I am practicing saying "no". Sometimes I get so caught up in the American Culture where we can have whatever we want, whenever we want it. One thing I want so badly right now is the comfort of home, but that is not for right now. Not this season in life, so I will cling to the Lord to find comforts in him in what is for right now. I want to be in a place that I wake up each day to recognize my servant hood. My heart is Christ's home.

I am practicing denial to become more aware of my need for Christ. I am trying to become less dependent on things of this world. I'm praying that as I pursue denying myself of things like facebook and working on my time management and being wiser with my money, I will become more sensitive to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I want my eyes to be opened to what God has designed for me. I want to become more prayerfully minded, more thankful and a vessel of his love.

i deleted my facebook.

I am on a quest to learn ultimate surrender;
therefore, I deleted my facebook.
My time will now be spent reading and writing and meditating
for there is nothing on Earth that I desire besides the Lord.
I want to learn contentment and what it is to be a servant.
My comfort is where ever God wants me to be.

"But for me, it is Good to be near to God;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
that I may tell of all your works"
-Psalm 73:28